Marriage Minded Monday - Controlling the Money

This week I am, once again, linking up with Nan over at Mom's The Word for her weekly Making Your Home Sing post! Go visit her right now and see what you can do to help make your home sing!


Statistics show, according to this article, that the number one cause of divorce is finances.
This is not surprising, as financial problems are linked to a number of issues including depression and health problems.
What is surprising is that more couples don't try to take the necessary steps in order to prevent this kind of calamity from harming their marriage.

Sometimes problems arise and there's nothing you can do about them - an injury, a lay-off, car problems, natural disasters - all of these things can happen. But more often then not, overspending, under budgeting, and lack of communication are what lead to financial disaster.

If you find yourself in this situation, the one thing to remember is that ignorance, in this case, is not bliss. It is necessary to communicate the problem with your spouse in a non-accusatory manner: "There is more money going out than what is coming in." Work together to come up with some solutions to save money: "I can give up this monthly payment" "I can give up this weekly treat." And decide together which debts should be taken care of first: "The hospital payment is more, but the credit card is more urgent".

Once the initial debt is taken care of, it's important to look at your budget again, together, to figure out where the mishap took place to begin with and what you, as a family, can do to prevent it from happening again, or to prepare for it in case it does. It may mean the whole family makes a sacrifice such as cable or satellite service, monthly gaming fees, or even giving up certain grocery items, but in the long run it will put you in a better financial place.

After you're head-above-water again, it will be important to continue to go over finances together often. Work together to see when things look like they might falter and to come up with solutions to prevent disaster. Start planning together for those unplanned but unpreventable times that could occur. And remember, above all, communication is key!

Marriage Minded Monday: Sharing Responsibility

A common complaint among today's couples is how the household responsibilities are divied out.
Many claim that they have too much responsibility - cleaning, cooking, budgeting, child rearing, etc. - while their spouse does little to help, if anything.

Shared responsibility in running a household is essential.
When one spouse bares too much responsibility, it becomes grueling, tedious, exhausting, and overwhelming.

In my own situation, the responsibilities are as follows:

My husband works outside the home, does all the yard work, does all the "fix it" chores, handles the budget, and helps with the dishes, the laundry, and the children when he gets home from work, and takes out the garbage.

I stay at home with the children, keep the house clean (most of the time), handle the meal planning, shopping, cooking, schedule, and calender, as well as keep up with dishes and clothes when he is at work.

The children also have chores of their own.

This is a plan that certainly works for us.
That being said, this might not be a viable distribution for your own family - find out what works for your family.

For example, a couple who both work outside the home may decide to divy up chores and child raising equally: the wife may plan meals, do dishes, and tuck the children in while the husband may take out the garbage, cook, and give the children their baths, or something similar.

The point it, it is important that every member of the household is involved with its running. It keeps the burden from being solely one person's, and it helps family members feel important and needed.

Today I'm linking up with Nan over at Mom's The Word for Making Your Home Sing Monday.

Go pay her a visit and see what you can do to make your home sing this week!

Marriage Minded Monday - Parenting Styles

One of the biggest disagreements between couples is parenting.
Spouse A thinks they should talk things out with Billy when he breaks the window. Spouse B thinks Billy needs a spanking.
Spouse A thinks that Suzie should be grounded because she talked back. Spouse B thinks it's not THAT big a deal.

Any of this sound familiar to you?

One thing that our children must ALWAYS understand is that we parents are going to back each other up 100%. Children have to feel that their parents are a unit - supportive of each other and on each other's side.
But what happens when parents don't always agree on discipline?

This is a problem in so many households. Chances are, if you have children, you and your spouse will disagree on how to parent them - at least somewhat.

So what's the solution?

Compromise and secrecy is key in situations like this.
Compromise between parents and secrecy from the kids, that is.

First off, there has to be a common ground on how to handle any given situation. Let's say you want to spank your child, but your spouse is a talker. A good compromise would be to have a "three strikes" kind of rule - the first two offenses (of the same kind) receive a good lecture and/or grounding with a warning that the third time will result in a spanking. The child will know what is coming ahead of time, so when that third offense inevitably comes, the corporal punishment occurs.

There also has to be some form of compromise on rules of the household. For example, one parent wants the children to only play video games on the weekends - when they don't have homework. Another parent thinks that kids playing during the week isn't a big deal. So the compromise - the child may only play video games during the week for one hour or less, and only after homework and chores have been confirmed done.

As for secrecy - let's face it, if children knew that parents didn't agree on discipline and punishment, they'd certainly use it to their benefit. Children can be quite manipulative, after all, and many love to put parent against parent in "the punishment war". This is why compromise and secrecy are so important.

The final key to the puzzle of parenting together is consistency. This is, of course, is a given even when there's not disagreement. Misbehavior increases in situations where consistency is a problem. Why? Because they feel that "I got away with it that one time - let's see if I can get away with it again!"

Now, this will not guarantee anything in the area of your children. (Children will test the waters to see how far they can push someone, and they are curious about their world. So occasional misbehavior is a given. If your child becomes a "behavior problem" you should certainly seek the help of a professional.) But if your marriage is constantly "on the rocks" because you and your spouse can't seem to get on the same page, you might try talking all of it over after the kids go to bed, and writing out behaviors and disciplines together. Parenting together is hard, but the results are so rewarding.

Marriage Minded Monday - When You Disagree

This week I got a lesson from God about speaking up when something was bothering me.

I also learned that (as I said on my facebook page) I don't give my husband near enough credit.

I think we all assume that our spouses will respond one way when we tell them we don't agree with them, but when it comes down to it, they may very well respond differently.

Case in point:

I won't go into detail, but there was a project my husband and I have been discussing that was about to come into fruition.

It was going to take a lot of time, energy, and money to do this. 

I have been worried about it - for a VERY long time - but I didn't want to say anything to my husband because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, nor did I want to squelch his dream. 

So when it was right about to happen, I snapped. I turned into a sobbing, blubbering mess. I knew exactly what was bothering me, but I was still so afraid to tell him the truth that I came up with every other thing I could be stressed over - including something that I've never mentioned, ever! EVERYTHING but the problem at hand. 

Finally, I told him. I was so worried that he would be hurt and that he would be angry. But instead, he told me he had the same concerns. 

So we had a long discussion on it and decided - TOGETHER - to put it off for a while until we're in a better place, financially.

As you can see, my assumption was very off course, and as a result ended up in my anxiety and stress. 

He had no idea - how could he? 

I'd never told him!

Your disagreement may come from a different place - you might be in arms over child-rearing, finances, where to live, career choices . . . 

Whatever it is, remember you DO have a voice. 

God tells us in 1 Peter 3:1 to submit to our husbands the way Christ submitted to God. But remember, that even Christ spoke up about his concerns to the Lord in Matthew 26:39 "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup be taken from me . . ." 

Yes, the bible tells us that we SHOULD submit fully to our husbands. And if mine had told me "I understand your concerns, but I really want to do this now rather than later" then we would have and that would have been the end of it. But the fact is, sometimes our husbands are waiting on US to speak up first because they're afraid of the same thing we are.

God's Blessings on you for a wonderful week!

Today I'm linking up with Nan from Mom's The Word for Making Your Home Sing Monday! 

Go give her a visit and see how YOU can make YOUR home sing today!

Marriage Minded Monday: Time Together

Do you spend time with your spouse? Let me rephrase that. Do you MAKE time to spend with your spouse?
Are you one of those couples that lead different lives and only sleep in the same bed (occasionally).

There are couples who have no choice but to be apart - one may be a soldier, or a driver, or work on a pipeline.
But what about those couples that live together all the time?

One of the fundamental foundations of a good relationship is getting to know your spouse. The only way to do that is by spending time together. Watch a movie together, read to each other, or just sit across the table from each other and talk.

You might find out something interesting about your spouse that you never knew before.

Don't think you have anything in common with your partner? Try a compromise - one night a week you do what one of you wants and one night do what the other wants. You might discover a new love of a hobby, a musical or film genre, or art.

For example, before my husband and I were married, you would not have caught me on a small manned watercraft. Especially one without sides and with the potential of going 30 mph + on a lake. Then he introduced me to our Hobie 16' Catamarand:

Isn't it beautiful??

Now, I CRAVE this boat. I LONG to ride for hours! 

And as for my husband, I brought to him a love of different exotic and healthy foods. His whole life had been fried, creamed, cheesed, and fat. I taught him to love quinoa and to TOLERATE (lol) asparagus.

Make some time today to spend with your spouse - just the two of you, together. You may find it makes all the difference in your relationship!

Today I'm linking up with my friend Nan's Making Your Home Sing Monday! 

Run to her blog (Mom's The Word) NOW and check it out!!

Marriage Minded Monday - It's The Little Things . . .

Yes, Kids, I know YESTERDAY was Monday, but yesterday was also the 4th, so I took the morning off from, well, EVERYTHING, and enjoyed my husband while I had him home for one more day. We did nothing but sit in front of the TV and clear our DVR all day, but it was WONDERFUL!! Hope everyone had a safe and happy 4th as well! Now, ON WITH THE BLOG!


What do you do for your husband?
I know that we women sometimes tend to be moody or cranky when our husbands don't do things for us:
"He should have thought to do that"
But oftentimes we forget that our husbands need a little TLC as well.

For example:
I make my husband's dinner plate.
He neither asks nor expects me to do so, but I just do.
I like to make his plate.
And he is always appreciative when I do.

It may seem like nothing - an insignificant motion - but sometimes it's those "nothing" moments that can mean the world to our hubbies.

Like an unexpected love note when you know he's had a bad day.
A saucy text message to let him know he's on your mind.
Letting him have control of the remote.
Fluffing his pillow a little extra.
Making his favorite for dinner even though you hate it.

These are things we can do to "spoil" our hubbies a little bit.
And believe me when I say that the more we "spoil" them, the more they'll want to spoil us.
God bless!

Marriage-Minded Monday - The Importance of Communication

Each Monday I will be talking about marriage and home-and-hearth.

I have learned men's greatest secret.

Are you ready for this ladies?

*men are not mind readers*

I know that comes as quite a shock, doesn't it?

But it's true.

One of the largest complaints I hear from my female friends about their husbands is:

"He never does _____" or "He ALWAYS does _______"

And then go on to say:

"He KNOWS it bothers me!"

But, does he?

Does he REALLY?

Have you TOLD him it bothers you?

"No, but he should know!"

How can someone know it bothers you if you don't tell him?

Believe it or not, many divorces have been finalized over such.

Another example comes straight out of my own marriage:

"Honey did you remember that we're going to ______ today?"
"Uh . . . No, you never told me."
"Yes, I'm sure I did! We have to leave in five minutes and drive over three hours and we both need showers and get the kids ready!!"

"You never told me!"

"I'm sure I did! We also have to stop and buy a wedding gift!"

"YOU NEVER TOLD ME!"

This one happens more than I'd like to admit in my house.

*dramatized to get the point across*

Communication is the number one key to a happy, joyful marriage.

If something is bothering you, you NEED to tell your spouse - weather it's something they did or something else in the world that's been weighing on your heart.

If you're having problems talking to your spouse, you should look at why:

Do you fear their response?

Do you fear YOUR response?

Do you harbor resentments?

If any of these are an issue for you, take a deep breath and say a prayer. Then when you discuss your problem, be sure to do so at a time when you're both in decent moods. Sit down in an uninterrupted time, and make a promise to each other to not use harsh words or yelling. When you're talking about your issue, do not bring up issues of the past - they have nothing to do with the issue at hand. And remember to LISTEN as much as you talk - your spouse wants to be heard too, and I'm sure they have a few things on their mind they'd like to share as well!

Another solution - one that's good for the entire family - is something called a "gripe book" or a "communication journal" - it's for every family member to write down things that have bothered them during the week - then once a week the entire family sits down and talks about the book. The rules are - no retaliations, no arguments, no accusations, especially at the round table.

If you find that you are STILL having problems communicating, it may be time to talk to your pastor, priest, or a marriage counselor. But keep in mind the more you talk, the easier it becomes.